New York City: the concrete jungle where dreams are made of, or so Alicia Keys crooned. Spoiler alert: she wasn’t off base. Behold, a comprehensive, comical, and (occasionally) common-sense guide on what tourists should do while traipsing around the grand metropolis that is New York.
- Time (Square) Machines
Time Square is like a Las Vegas carnival had a baby with a jumbo LED screen, and they named it “Lights, Camera, Advertising!” Stand in the center of it and marvel at the bombardment of neon signs as you flash back to Times Square in the early 1900s. Now wipe that nostalgic tear, and remember it’s 2022, and there are an alarming number of adults dressed as Elmo to contend with.
- Empirical Heights: The Empire State Building
At 1,454 feet, the Empire State Building is still astonishingly short (remember, everything is relative in New York). Despite it not being the tallest building anymore, a trip to the observation deck is worth the mild vertigo. Just don’t be that guy angling for the perfect panoramic shot while swatting away tourists like flies.
- Statue of Limitations: The Stoic Lady
The Statue of Liberty has aged like fine wine. Sure, she’s green with envy… or oxidization, but a trip to Liberty Island lets you whisper sweet nothings to the French lady herself. Pro-tip: Test your fitness, and climb the 377 steps to the crown of the enchanting dame. Remember, fitting in with true New Yorkers means never taking an elevator when stairs are an option.
- The High Line: A Park Above Ground
The High Line is an elevated park on a former railroad track and may as well be called New York’s “hipster baby.” Take a leisurely stroll through a concoction of modern art installations, sustainable greenery, and trendy food vendors. Just remember: if an enterprising New Yorker tries to sell you an abstract painting, they may have just scribbled on a napkin.
- A Gastronomic Adventure: Chinatown and Little Italy
Can’t decide between Kung Pao Chicken and Spaghetti Carbonara? Plant yourself right where these cultural hubs meet, and you could have both. Try to avoid drooling on the streets lined with authentic eateries and specialty shops. Don’t miss out on the sweet treats of Little Italy and the vibrant markets of Chinatown.
- The Arty Smarty Affair: Museums Galore
Between the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Museum of Modern Art, you can breeze through thousands of years of culture and be back for an afternoon cronut, the love-child of a croissant and donut. It’s the ultimate Instagram-worthy trip, so keep your hashtags ready! Recall: #MonetWishIHadMoney, #PicassoFace, and the classic #IMetTheMet.
- Shop Till You Drop: 5th Avenue Extravagance
Browse through designer stores with the gusto of a teenager unleashed on their allowance money, then inspect your bank account and LOL. Five minutes later, when you’re done crying, make your way to the New York Public Library, where the only thing you can spend is your cellular data.
- Central P(ark)erazzi
Your New York experience isn’t complete without strolling through Central Park and pretending you’re in a Woody Allen film. Whip out your selfie stick and snap some swanky shots of the Bethesda Terrace, the Bow Bridge, or your fellow park-goers worshiping the sun like they’ve never seen it before.
- Broadway: Sing Your Heart Out
Attending a Broadway show is de rigueur in the Big Adventurous Apple. Soak in the jazz hands, the glitz, the glamour, and the promise that someone in the cast might one day make it to Hollywood and thank you in their Oscar speech… “To the stranger in the 6th row, you believed in me when no one else did.”
- Comedy Open Mic Night: Thank Your Lucky Stars
After witnessing the diverse melting pot that is New York, it’s time to enjoy a night of laughter at a comedy club’s open mic session. Here, your Monday blues will dissolve, and you’ll thank the universe that you’re just an audience member rather than one of those brave souls on stage.
Now, equipped with this witty and hilarious guide to the marvels of New York, you’re exactly 1,000 words closer to being a real New Yorker—the most envied species on Earth. Get out there, tourist, and make your mark on the city that never sleeps!